Trying to Count My Blessings

Today I've been really, really down.  Sad.  Hurting.  Missing Ethan.  Missing San Antonio.  Not wanting to be living where we presently live.  I've been pretty much negative all day. 

1. Loving Heavenly Father that loves me no matter my flaws, past sins, etc.  The One who held me ever so close the day I lost Ethan, Who kept me strong so I could witness to unbelievers in the midst of my tragedy...the One who holds Ethan in His Glory...where I long to be as well.  Thank you sweet Heavenly Father for being so good to me, my family, my friends, and for taking good care of my Ethan!  Thank you for sending your son, Jesus, to make the ultimate sacrifice.
2. Jesus dying on the cross so unselfishly.  Had it been me to face the cross, I probably would've backed down and taken the other option.  Jesus is special!  Jesus, God in the flesh who walked the earth, and who lived a beautiful testimony here on earth.  No other lived a blameless or pure life here on earth.  Thank You for your example in which I fall short of daily, sometimes hourly, etc.
3. Wonderful husband that has stuck with our marriage despite my shortcomings.  Josh has sacrificed throughout the years, and has always put his family first.  Not many men can say that!  Josh, I love you more and more everyday!  Thank you for holding me on those days when I just don't know if I can get out of bed and be "normal."  Thank you for being such a hard worker, for persevering through this hard year and still getting done what needs to get done!
4. Ethan--Where do I begin?  God gave us Ethan for 7 and a half FULL years!  Ethan changed my life forever the moment he was born.  I wanted to be a better person because I had become a mommy.  I wanted to truly do what was right--live for the Lord.  Slowly but surely, I have given my life to the Lord and have been forever changed!  Along the path, I learned from Ethan what loving others meant, to include others that often are neglected, and that only God matters first and foremost.  Now I'm learning to grieve in a Christ-like manner, and hope to minister to others in their time of loss...in due time.  Ethan, you emulated what most don't learn in a long span of life.  You shine the light of Jesus, and now you are with Him.  Mommy loves you always and forever sweet boy. :o)
5. Evan--Beautiful son, you keep me going each day, especially now that brother is gone.  You encourage Daddy and I.  The Lord speaks through you in so many ways...the amazing things that you say to keep our hearts from breaking too much.  You are loved so much!  One day you will make a beautiful bride so happy when you marry her and love her by showing the love of Christ.
6. Friends--Many friends over the years, from elementary school on up to middle and high school.  Friends in adulthood met at work, church, etc.  Military friends that come and go (but still keep in touch).  My sweet PWOC sisters!  Wonderful ladies that have been there through the thick and thin.  Thank you!  I wouldn't be as sane as I am without my friends to lean on.
7. Necessities--Food, clothing, a home, car, love, etc.  I've been blessed to never have gone without any of these things.  Things that many of us take for granted everyday.  Lest we forget that about 95% of the world lives in poverty, and never has a full belly.  Lord, I'm so sorry for my selfishness, my "more, more, more" mentality that I've bought into.  Please take me and make me Yours, not of this world.
8. USA--A beautiful place I'm proud to be a citizen of, and to live in my whole life!  A place that us Americans don't even begin to grasp how spoiled we are...in comparison to many other countries who are dirt poor.  Not that materialistic things are important, but look at the massive amount of food we have!  We are blessed beyond measure.  Thank you Lord.

When Things Seem Okay...

Then things are NOT okay.  Grief is very cyclical, like the ebbs and flows of an ocean, though it's not beautiful like the ocean.  Today I am so down and sad.  I do not want to clean house, nor much anything else for that matter.  Now that we are back from Texas, it's "back to normal" around here.  Josh is back at work after being off for some time, and it's just Evan and I.  Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to be a stay at home mommy and be here with Evan all the time.  But today I just want to be in bed and do nothing. 

For most of October and some of November, I was doing pretty well in my grief journey.  Prior to that I was a mess.  Always crying (or it seemed like always), sad, afraid, worried, etc.  But for that short reprieve from grief, I felt great!  I cried little to none.  I thought to myself, hey, maybe I am working through this and the holidays won't be so bad.  WRONG!  I'm learning that grief is very cyclical, and that it just takes time, prayer, and leaning on the Lord to make it through. 

I don't want to hear:  Have a Holly Jolly Christmas, or any other sappy happy Christmas song for that matter!  I want my son back.  I want life as it was prior to June 5th.  I don't want to celebrate Christmas.  But I know that in all fairness to Evan, we need to continue with the season, and put up a tree.  But I also know that we truly need to celebrate Christmas for what it is:  CHRIST!  Gifts, Christmas parties, holiday shopping, etc. is NOT what it's all about.  The world can try to take Christ out of Christmas, but we are sure going to do out best to keep it all about Him. 

Thank you Ethan for showing us all what is most important!  I'm just so sorry that you aren't here with us, but then again, you are in the ultimate place, the final destination that those who believe want to be--Heaven!  Mommy loves you and misses you so much. :o)

Orange Balloons

Our visit back home to Texas was bittersweet. Sweet because we saw family and friends, because we visited Ethan's grave for the first time since the headstone was placed, and because we were long overdue for a visit back home. Bitter (actually, more like heartbreaking/sad/draining), because we had to spend our first Thanksgiving and Ethan's Eighth Birthday without him here on earth with us.


Thanksgiving was overall very nice. It was spent in Cuero, TX with Josh's grandparents, plus some of my family and some of Josh's family. I'm truly thankful to the Lord that we have such a nice family, and that we were blessed to have plenty of food. But it just wasn't the same, and the be quite honest, I dreaded going anywhere and being around people. Grief set in again...and it's not going away anytime soon. No, I'm not being a pessimist, but I'm being realistic. The holidays are truly agonizing without Ethan. His birthday was just this past Monday, November 29th. Thankfully, we were in Texas, per my husband's request. I'm grateful that Josh was insistent on being at Ethan's grave on his birthday. To be quite honest, I hope we are able to (financially and time-wise) be at his grave every year on every birthday, Lord-willing. We spent an hour or two at his grave, and celebrated with gourmet cupcakes (that were melting in the glorious 80 degree weather!), decorated around his headstone, and released 7 orange balloons. Orange was Ethan's favorite color, and we purchased 8 orange balloons, but one of them popped right before we released them. To me it was significant that one balloon popped, because we had 7 very full years with Ethan. It was a reminder that we should have had 8 years with him, and shouldn't have been at his grave celebrating but instead should have had him with us. But it was also a reminder that those 7 years were meaningful, were significant, and life isn't measured by our years but by how meaningful and full we lived those years. Ethan lived his 7 years here on earth more full and meaningful than some adults do in their entire lives. Ethan had figured out the most significant reason for life: Loving the Lord and loving others.


Anyway, back to Ethan's Birthday...it was a beautiful day! It simply couldn't have been a more beautiful day! I felt Ethan all around, and he certainly was smiling down on us through the sunbeams that emerged from the clouds. Had we been in Washington, it would have been cold, dreary, and miserable. The Lord truly blessed us on that special day, and He knew we needed to be in Texas.


Unfortunately, I didn't want to return to Washington. I'm pretty sure that none of us wanted to return back here. I really thought this was home, but it doesn't feel like home. You know, the really comfortable feeling you get once you get settled and such. Yes, we've only been here a short time, but Texas truly feels like home. I must trust in the Lord, and lean NOT on my own understanding. The Lord knows where we belong. But the waiting...it's tough.

Happy Birthday Ethan

I felt your presence on this beautiful, sunny day here in Texas. Your smile shown through the clouds, as beautiful sunbeams kissed the ground. Thank you God, for giving us such a beautiful day! Goodnight Ethan, I love you. I hope that you enjoyed the balloons that we released.

Love (hugs and kisses and a few tears),
Mommy

God is Not Shocked...

While at my GriefShare group at church this past weekend,(www.griefshare.org) we were talking about many things. But among the various topics, we talked about God not being shocked about our loved ones passing. That He wasn't "asleep" or "not in control" or "shocked" when they departed earth to heaven. While I had heard this from many thoughtful, loving friends shortly after losing Ethan, I hadn't internalized it and fully digested what it meant until a few days ago. It was as if the lightbulb turned on in my brain!

I know for certain, while reflecting back to the night of Ethan's passing, that God wasn't shocked about the nature of Ethan's passing, nor the short number of years he lived on earth. God was in control, but just because He didn't save Ethan and keep him alive--basically, a miracle didn't occur that night in the E.R., it doesn't mean that God didn't care. God in fact does know the number of our days on this earth. He isn't shocked at how or when we depart earth. And most importantly, He loves us and cares, EVEN when we lose a loved one. The fact that He didn't intervene certainly doesn't mean that He was punishing us. That's a hard concept to understand, and it's completely normal to not agree with God taking your loved one.

Now, reflecting back to the night that life was forever changed, June 5, 2010. I can say with 100% certainty, God wasn't shocked at Ethan dying. I know this, because if He were in shock, baffled, caught off-guard, etc., then why did He hold Josh and I so closely? Why did God calm my spirit and work through me so that I could comfort others? Why did God give me peace that surpasses understanding on that night? Why did He provide comfort that helped me to accept my son dying and going to heaven, so that I could say goodbye and leave that hospital without him? I can tell you why. Because He wasn't shocked! He knew what was to happen that day, how Josh and I and many others needed Him so much. He was and still is in control today, tomorrow, and always.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. -Hebrews 13:8


I cannot answer for you why things went the way they did on June 5, 2010. I do have a few ideas and possible revelations from God, but I'm not ready to share, and maybe I won't ever be. But I can assure you that God is still good, He is still love, and He is still in control. I can also tell you that from the many people that were touched by Ethan, their lives have changed in decisions to follow Christ.

Another day I will post on the topic of: Why Bad Things Happen to Good People. I know there are many loving people out there that do not understand how this could happen to us. Though I don't have the answers, I do want to write my thoughts and feelings.

Since his days are determined,The number of his months is with You; You have appointed his limits, so that he cannot pass. -Job 14:15

The Golden Rule Day

It's hard to believe that October is already upon us. Which leads to Evan's 5th Birthday, my birthday two weeks later, followed by Thanksgiving...and about 4 days later, what would have been Ethan's 8th Birthday. I was going to wait to write about this, but felt that the more time people had to prepare, the better participation we could get. In honor of Ethan's Birthday, we are declaring November 29th The Golden Rule Day.

THE GOLDEN RULE:

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12

As many of you already know, Ethan tried so hard to live by the Golden Rule. He would usually go out of his way to treat others the way he wanted to be treated. Of course, he was human just like you and I, and antagonized his little bother, and didn't always share. :o) But that's human nature, and no one is perfect. However, Josh and I had never seen someone so passionate about living out The Golden Rule.

We ask that you find in some way, big or small, to go out of your way to treat someone the way you would want to be treated--on November 29th of each year. Perhaps you will buy a meal for someone who is less fortunate, volunteer at a soup kitchen, go visit the widowed in your neighborhood, make cookies or a meal for a neighbor who is ill or bereaved. The list of possibilities is endless! If we can all show extra love on Ethan's Birthday, then the world will be a much sweeter place, and this will honor Ethan's memory, and also honor the Lord.

To read more about Ethan, please visit: www.mem.com On the left hand side enter in Ethan for "first name" and "Wallace" for last name (without italics, of course).

Taking a Break

I had hoped to write more often once we got settled into our home here in WA, but that just hasn't been the case. I have been busy, but also just haven't wanted to write. When I did get the urge to write, lack of internet while in TLF on base, or our laptop breaking, have prevented me from writing.

We are all doing okay. It's been rough since we moved. Often I think of all of my friends. Thank you for understanding when I do not call, return a call, or pick up the phone. On many occasions (especially lately), I do not want to talk. But please don't give up. One day I will find the new me, and find happiness and complete joy. Right now just isn't that time. Recently I joined a GriefShare group at my new church here in WA. In that group I've learned that the grief journey, especially in the loss of a child, takes years, not months, to fully grieve and recover. We as a family have a lot of healing and resting in Him before we can find our complete "new normal." Birthdays and Holidays are upon us starting in two weeks. Please be in prayer for us, because this will be a difficult season indeed. I thank you so much for continuing to pray for us.

The cute picture at the top was taken about a year ago by my dear friend Andrea Gray. Often times, we would swap watching each others kiddos so we could have a date night with our husbands. Note the brownie smudge on Evan's cheek, the brotherly hug they shared, and their love for one another. :o) PRICELESS