Taking a Break

I had hoped to write more often once we got settled into our home here in WA, but that just hasn't been the case. I have been busy, but also just haven't wanted to write. When I did get the urge to write, lack of internet while in TLF on base, or our laptop breaking, have prevented me from writing.

We are all doing okay. It's been rough since we moved. Often I think of all of my friends. Thank you for understanding when I do not call, return a call, or pick up the phone. On many occasions (especially lately), I do not want to talk. But please don't give up. One day I will find the new me, and find happiness and complete joy. Right now just isn't that time. Recently I joined a GriefShare group at my new church here in WA. In that group I've learned that the grief journey, especially in the loss of a child, takes years, not months, to fully grieve and recover. We as a family have a lot of healing and resting in Him before we can find our complete "new normal." Birthdays and Holidays are upon us starting in two weeks. Please be in prayer for us, because this will be a difficult season indeed. I thank you so much for continuing to pray for us.

The cute picture at the top was taken about a year ago by my dear friend Andrea Gray. Often times, we would swap watching each others kiddos so we could have a date night with our husbands. Note the brownie smudge on Evan's cheek, the brotherly hug they shared, and their love for one another. :o) PRICELESS

Three Months

It's hard to believe that Ethan has been with the Lord for three months as of today. My heart is usually very heavy when the 5th of each month arrives. But today was a nice family and church day. Ethan was on our minds a lot, as he is everyday, but I had a peaceful day. This is the first "anniversary" of his passing that has been not only bearable, but actually enjoyable. Afterall, Ethan is surrounded in His Glory...in a place we can only imagine.

Please keep us in prayer. We need it to make it through these next few months as we approach birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Specifically, please pray for Evan and his grief. He dearly misses his Ethan. Pray for Josh and his new job. I can't imagine how hard it is to start a new job (with more responsibility) and still be only weeks into losing a child. And lastly, please pray for me, as I journey this new season of life. It's been tough. I know God is good, and He will see my family and I through.

I hope to post more often now that we have moved into our house and have internet.

God bless you all!

Those Forgotten

Tonight as I was on Facebook, I realized something. There are others out there mourning the loss of Ethan besides his immediate family. The night of the accident, there were many of my husband's co-workers and friends around. There were others there too that knew Ethan--not well, but nonetheless they knew him. Unfortunately, many saw Ethan unconscious and CPR being performed. The Lord shielded Evan and I from seeing anything. We were in the restroom for a few minutes while Evan did his business. But my husband and well as many others saw Ethan unconscious. I'd like to ask for prayer for all of those that were affected by our tragedy. They are the forgotten, and they shouldn't be, because they deserve prayer too. It's just now that I've realized that others need some love too, and need God's favor. Please pray that hearts will be changed, decisions will be made for Christ.

Also keep in prayer our extended family--sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. Also keep in prayer Ethan's friends that miss him, and my friends and Josh's friends that mourn alongside us.

Ethan didn't die in vain--he died to bring the lost to God. This I know in my heart. Ethan had an important purpose just as you and I do. Do not ever think for one second your life was a mistake. Do not ever think for one second that it's too late and you've made too many mistakes to accept Jesus Christ into your heart. He loves you just as much as he loves the drug addict on the corner.

We have to seek our God-given purpose and use it with our God-given strength...before it's too late. Thank you for the continued prayers.

Remembering Ethan, Part II- I Want You to Know

I want you to know…
That Ethan was one of the friendliest, kindest children God ever created. He would go out of his way to welcome everyone. One could find him at a restaurant, waiting patiently to dine, and he would be the one holding the door for adults—smile on his face—enjoying helping others. I want you to know that this little man loved to read! In fact, he would wake up early every morning, quietly go into the homeschool room, and read for about an hour. He simply couldn’t read enough! I want you to know that Ethan loved Geograhpy. He loved it so much that he nearly had the entire United States map memorized. He could tell you where a state was, and was excited to learn about that particular state. I want you to know that Ethan refused to listen to “secular” music. He once said,” I only want to listen to music that praises God.” I want you to know that Ethan’s best friend was his little brother Evan. Ethan would’ve given his life to save his little brother, that’s how much he loved Evan! I want you to know that Ethan loved to run. He would run around our living room in San Antonio, non-stop in huge circles for almost fifteen minutes straight (at about age 2). Shortly before he passed away, he was running nearly a mile at age 7. I want you to know that Ethan was tender-hearted. It broke his heart to see others hurt. It confused him when others were mean and didn’t accept him. It baffled him that not everyone in the world loved one another. I want you to know that Ethan loved his trees, windchimes, trucks, cars, and construction equipment. He wasn’t into sports and action figures—he had a heart for nature. And he liked his cars because of his daddy’s love for cars!

I want you to know that Ethan will always be with each and every one of us—in our hearts. He is smiling down from heaven. He longs, just as his Heavenly Father, for you to have a relationship with Jesus. He wants you to love one another, to live by the Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12) and to take the straight path to God (Proverbs 3:5-6).
We miss you sweet boy. No one could ever take your place.

Comfort and Hope in the Lord

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

I need to mediate on this precious piece of scripture. The past week has been one of the hardest. That is why I've been isolating myself, in a sense, from most people. To be honest, I just want to be around Josh and Evan. Others, while well-intentioned, simply don't understand what we are going through. People move on with their lives; and rightfully so, they should. But unless you have walked in someone's shoes, you simply cannot know what they are going through--ever.

We are moving very soon, and there are many out there that I know want to see us and say goodbye. We feel the same way. Please keep us lifted up in prayer. Brighter days are on the horizon. There is always hope in Him.

The Grief Process

Many text books on psychology, books on grief, and other materials give details on the grief process. There are about five steps that most scholars will say that people go through. The order in which one goes through them is all over the place. I am writing about this, because I am honestly smack in the middle of grief. It has almost been five weeks since Ethan passed, but it doesn't seem fathomable. It seems like just yesterday I said goodbye. Yet on the other hand, it feels like forever ago. I am sure to those of you out there this simply doesn't make sense--but in my mind, it does. I am also writing on this subject, because we all know that death in inevitable, and that one day we will all lose a loved one, and then perish ourselves. My intention isn't to scare anyone, or to worry anyone. My intentions are genuine, and that is to educate and be honest and open. As I write, this isn't easy. My heart aches, and I want to cry. This just doesn't seem fair. But I know life isn't fair, and I also know God knows better. Ethan is where he has always desired to be--with Him. But the flesh wants, the heart aches, and some days are just very hard.

Now, I would venture to say that most of you out there have lost someone close, such as a grandparent/parent or aunt/uncle or friend. I would also venture to say that many of you out there haven't (and thank God) lost a child. But I am fully aware that there are those out there that have, and you know my and Josh's pain. There is not doubt that the good Lord created the human emotion/state of being in shock. I thank the Lord that he put me into shock almost instantaneously after the accident. Shock, numbness, and the awesome strength of the Lord is what got me through those critical first days (as did the thousands of prayers, and supportive friends that love us). For about two weeks, I felt like I was not in my own body. It was a phenomenon of being in autopilot--simply just getting up and doing what had to be done, but not mentally being "all there." I was in a fog of sorts. People will tell me something, and I will almost always forget. It's not that I don't care, it's just that my mind simply is consumed by thoughts of my angel in heaven. With time, and the Lord's awesome healing power, I know we will find what is as normal as can be with a huge piece missing from our lives.

Overall, considering what we have been through, we are all doing well. But then some days are just so much harder. This move to WA will be good for all of us. We desperately need a fresh start away from here. We will miss all of our friends, our church home, and the near and dear to our heart places we went together as a family on a regular basis: Mt. Charleston, Red Rock Canyon, Spring Mountain Ranch, The Coffee Cup Cafe, Korean Garden, Lied Children's Museum, etc.

As of August 2010, Lord willing, we will officially be living in Washington State.

Remembering Ethan, Part I--Windchimes

Ethan was such a unique little man. He had many interests, but he would go through periods of time that he would focus on just one or two things...and that's all he talk about! For instance, when he was about four, all he wanted to play with and think about were windchimes. This lasted for over a course of the years--his interest in them would come and go. We would walk into a store, and within a few seconds, he would spot a windchime! It was so funny, thinking back on all of those times of untangling windchimes, and making them chime their pretty tune. But at the moment at hand, it sort of was annoying. Yes, I am being honest, and I feel so terrible looking back on it. We should have just smiled and gone along with it. Well, we did, but not always. Life is busy, and we tend to get in a rush and focus on what we are at the store for, not to stop and "smell the roses" along the way. We don't think in those terms, that our children could be taken from us at any given moment. But the truth is, they can. I am not trying to scare you. But I'm trying to be sobering, and to plead with you to make every moment count. When you find yourself in a rush, not wanting to stop and "smell the roses," think of Ethan. Think about your children and how precious they are, because...children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. Psalm 127:3