Anger

This is a very personal post, but I feel the need to share, because I know that someone out there (if not today, someday) will stumble upon my blog in their time of need.  There have been quite a few people out there that have very bluntly and honestly blogged about losing their child.  I want to be as honest ans I can, because the Lord has called me to minister to the bereaved.  In all fairness, only honesty will do.  If I sat here and put an act on and acted like I was strong everyday, I'd be a liar.  The truth is, I am not strong everyday, and though the Lord is my only strength--I still fall short. Though I am saved and forgiven, I'm still a sinful, broken human.  There is NO way I can be strong all of the time.  The past couple of weeks it's been up and down, up and down.  And you know what...that's okay!  It's okay to be broken, to cry, to grieve, to be angry.  What happened to us doesn't seem fair.  But was it fair for Jesus to die for our sin?  Are the bumps in the road in life that we encounter the very least we can endure for the huge price that was paid for us?  I emphatically say YES!
 
About three weeks after Ethan died, both Josh and I went through about a week of anger.  Real, honest, heart-wrenching anger.  I myself wasn't mad at God, I was mad at most everyone else who had all of their children, and yet I didn't.  I know that this sounds selfish, but at the time, it was honestly how I felt.  We are only human, and even those with the most loving hearts can absolutely fall into the depths of very negative, but real, emotions. 

On and of since June 5th, 2010 I have battled feelings of anger, sadness, depression, numbness, etc.  It's a spaghetti bowl of twirled up emotions, some that come and stay for longer, and others that leave quickly. 

I'm finding that about every 6-8weeks now I have what I have termed, "Hard Grief."  This is the grief that sends me into a room by myself, crying and bawling until there is nothing left.  Yes, it has been a year.  No, I will never get over it.  Josh and Evan will never get over it.  But with God's loving grace, we shall learn day by day to get into a "new normal."  The pain will lessen, but never go away.  I think this is hard for a lot of people to understand, who haven't lost a close loved one.

Those of you out there that have lost a child, never feel that it's been too long and you shouldn't cry.  It is certainly and understandably normal to cry.  It isn't normal to cry everyday all day long and never live a newly adjusted life.  In such case, I beg and plead you to seek counsel from a loving pastor or Christian counselor.  Oftentimes, it is very helpful to see advice from a Godly individual that is neutral, and has a heart to help others.  But please know that I still do cry.  Sometimes it is brief and I get on with my day.  Sometimes it's for 30 minutes.  Some weeks I am okay and I don't cry.  There truly isn't a rhyme or reason--but God surely knows our hearts and will wipe away the tears. 

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes;  and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain;  for the former things are passed away.  Revelation 21:4  (God assuring us that in the end, when the earth is no more, there will be no more BAD but only GOOD for those who have trusted Him with their lives!)

Is Blogging My Ministry?

The more and more time I pray and seek what God would have me do, the more I feel compelled to blog more and Facebook much less or not at all.  I feel that my family's story, which is among the millions of those that have lost a child, IS important, and it IS for the Lord's glory.

Ethan passed away almost 22 months ago in a tragic accident.  Does the day to day get easier?  That is a difficult question in which I had answered no.  You see, grief does "lift" more often, and there are more good than bad days...most of the time.  However, Josh or Evan or I can have a really spectacular day and then, BAM...emotions come flooding through.

This past Friday at swim lessons (Evan had been enrolled for almost a year now) Evan had another crying episode.  Now I must applaud my son, not to be boastful.  But he sure is one brave young man!  He had been doing so well that he was almost ready to "ring" to the next level.  Over the past three months give or take, he has struggled.  But anyway, back to last Friday morning, he started to cry.  Apparently, one of the little boys in his class told to stop being so whiny/babyish, and poor Evan told him that he's scared because his brother drowned in a pool.  Evan tells me all of this while we are in the dressing room after his lesson.  And then, and this is the heart/gut wrenching/tearjerker:  Evan tells me that his heart isn't the same since Ethan died, and that it feels like it has broken into a million pieces.  My heart sank and I began to cry, and of course, my compassionate son asked me why I was crying.  Huge sigh.  And then he tells me he wants a baby so bad so he can have another brother, or a sister.  Son, I pray for that, and so do many others. 

Not getting pregnant is another struggle for me.  I had sort of found a place of contentedness over the course of the past few days and then this happens last week, among some other things that have triggered my emotions.  I don't understand why Ethan died, why we haven't gotten pregnant after trying for about a year.  The only thing I do know is God has a plan.  It's a good plan, and I need to seek Him, not friends or books or Facebook or anything else but only Him.  He knows the future, and in that future it's all for His glory.  If only I could get my stubborn flesh past my emotions, which are all over the place at times. 

Now back to the title of my blog, which as you have read, hasn't seemed at all to relate to what I have written.  The future that I see is to do more writing, for His glory.  Writing about our grief journey, homeschooling and curriculum we use and what we think, and anything else the Lord lays upon my heart.  And of course, a family update here and there and some pictures of our adventures.

I pray that if my blog has been of any blessing whatsoever to you, that you would kindly tell others who might benefit from what I write.  Thank you in advance for the consideration!

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected (hope in your latter end) end.  Jeremiah 29:11

20 Months

It's absolutely hard to believe that 20 months have gone by since we last saw our precious Ethan.  It seems like yesterday, and yet it seems like forever ago since we heard his voice and saw his innocent smile. 

Life goes on, but not a day goes by that Ethan's name is mentioned fondly, whether I accidentally call Evan by his brother's name (which, by the way, Evan adores!), Evan talks about his brother, or Josh recalls a memory of our dear son.  We have purposed to never forget him, we still love him, and we still count him as a part of our family.  It doesn't matter if he is with Jesus, he is still our son;  a vital part of who we were, and who we are now as a family. 

Thank you Jesus for our son whom we miss dearly.  Hold us near when we feel faint and weary.  We thank You for the strength to continue, and pray You will send mommies and daddies our way that need us.  AMEN.

How Am I?

Hey friends!  I haven't written in a while, simply because I don't know what to say sometimes.  And when I do know what to say, I am not sure I want to share it with the public.  But I am reminded that my purpose and ministry besides being a wife and mother and teacher is to minister to bereaved mothers (and fathers too).  If I write about my grief journey, it just may help that someone out there that is where I was a year ago.

How have I been?  That's hard to say, and yet so easy to say.  I am blessed!  Blessed beyond measure.  I have Josh and Evan and the best friends in the entire world.  I have my extended family.  I have a home, food, clothing, love from my Josh and Evan.  Most importantly, I have Jesus! 

However, there is still this huge hole that remains in my heart.  A hole that will not ever be filled until I leave this earth and go to be with the Lord.  In heaven it won't matter what has happened on earth, because those troubles will be long gone, and eternity will be glorious and happy.  But until then, I miss Ethan beyond what words can explain.  It just hurts so bad.

One of the most common comments I hear is, "I couldn't go on if something happened to one of my children."  Or,"I don't know how you do it."  I hear these comments even from the strongest of Christians.  Let me emphasize, it's not ME, it's HIM.  I cannot do all things WITHOUT Christ.  But I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens ME!  Simple, and yet it can be complex, as that...Christ. 

I will not lie, I would have never chosen this road to walk.  I don't like what has happened to Josh, Evan and I, and still often, I will cry like a baby, curled up in a ball on the ground.  I'm not always strong.  There is often sorrow behind my smiles.  But I keep going on because I have to, and because Jesus is just that amazing.  Never underestimate the power of Jesus!

If you remember, please keep us in prayer as we approach the holidays, and Ethan's Birthday/The Golden Rule Day on November 29th.  The holidays are not any easier.  I am deep down not looking forward to the holiday season.  Last year was the first year without Ethan for the holidays, but looking back, I remember very little of what we did for Thanksgiving and Christmas--I think the shock hadn't worn off. 

Someone in the World is Worse Off Than Me

As parents who have been through the loss of a child, both Josh and I have had some very hard, emotional, and trying days.  However, when you think your situation is bad, there is someone else out there 1000 times worse off than yourself.

A week ago, an innocent teenage girl was brutally abducted and murdered in Las Vegas.  This tragedy hits so close to home because it was a fellow Air Force family that now has to bury their child.  But under much, much worse circumstances.  Josh and I know the shock, numb, anguish, etc. that Alyssa's family feels.  However, I do not and cannot fathom the utter fear, anger, horror, etc. that they feel, knowing that a very horrible person violated and brutally murdered their child.  I do not want to know what that is like.  My heart absolutely aches and cries out for them. 

Unlike us, they will have to revisit their daughter's death over and over when they attend court hearings for the trial of their daughter's murder.  They are probably not able to have an open casket as we were, because this very bad man violated and did horrible things to her body.  Unlike our son, Alyssa died a cruel, painful, and absolutely horrible death.  I could go on and on, but I will not.  Bottom line--we are thankful--it could have been MUCH worse. 

I have read in my GriefShare literature that the cause of death and age of the person and relationship of that person will determine hard the grief will be.  In our case, it is a very traumatic.  However, with Alyssa's family, it is traumatic, traumatic, traumatic...  God bless you all, the Otremba Family.  You are in our thoughts and prayers.  I want you to know, if by the will and grace of the Lord you get this message, that I am here for you and I will try to help in any way possible.

Blessed are they that mourn:  for they shall be comforted.  Matthew 5:4

Does it Get Any Easier?

Today I ventured out of my comfort zone that I have placed myself in this past year, and met up with some nice homeschool mommies and children at a park.  Of course, the common question of "how many children do you have" ensued.  Wanting not to introduce myself by giving our whole history/life story this past year, I introduced Evan.  Once I had been at the park for a little while, I opened up to one of the mommies.  She had tears in her eyes. She asked me if it gets any easier.  I hesitated to answer that, and sat and pondered for a few seconds to find the right words to explain my feelings and opinion. 

Though I do not cry every single day, have rough grief days everyday, NO it's NOT easier.  I think that Josh and Evan and I have learned to lean on Jesus even more than ever before, and have learned to live without Ethan here on earth with us.  I do not think it's easier.  Every single day I feel like something is missing; like my life has been turned wrong side out.  Sort of like when you have an off day because your schedule or routine got thrown out of whack...that is how I feel every day.  Or when you forget something you were supposed to do that was super important, and it nags at you all day and just sets the mood for an off day...yeah, that's how I feel a lot.  I say this not to be a complainer, because I try to be and stay positive and thankful and blessed.  I write this more so for myself to document my path on the grief journey, and for others who are or will walk this sad road.  My heart hurts for all of you who have lost a child.  It's not in the natural order of life, but please know that the Lord wants to hold you and be your guide and strength.

A common thing a lot of people have said is that they do not know how I seem so normal and just how I get out of bed and continue on.  One word:  Jesus.  He is my All, my Rock, my Saviour, my Everything!  Secondly, I have a husband and another child who need me.  They keep me going as well.  Thirdly, Ethan.  He wouldn't want his mommy to give up on life.  He wants his family to be happy and continue on and live for the Lord.

2002...Think again

This past Sunday, I went to a church near my sister's house.  I'm sort of church hopping until we get settled into our new home out in the country.  It's really too far to drive from her house out there where we will live.  So the searching for a new church home will most likely wait until we are moved.

Anyway, Evan decided to go into children's church today.  Since we were guests, I had to fill out paperwork.  On that paperwork I had to obviosuly, include his date of birth.  I jotted that and all of the other information down.  The kind volunteer then looked the paperwork over and said,"So he's second grade, right?"  I looked at her sort of confused and said,"No, I put Kindergarten down, didn't I?" 

I had put the wrong date of birth.  I should have put 2005.  Instead I put the year as 2002--Ethan's year.  SIGH.

I apologized to the volunteer and explained I put my other child's year of birth.  She asked if I had another child (I'm sure so that they could add him to the paperwork).  My reply was yes, but he died.  Of course, the shocked looked ensued.  She asked how long ago, I told her almost a year ago.  Then I teared up...again.  Lately, I cannot think about Ethan or talk about him without tearing up.  At least, not when I am in these sort of situations.

Occurrances like that are upsetting.  I'm not mad or upset with the volunteer.  It's just another reminder that my son who I wish were here, isn't here any longer.  And once I tear up, my day just seems so long and mentally draining.  I get really tired, and my mood changes dramatically.  I went from excited to visit a new place to...down in the dumps.  The first half of church, I just wasn't feeling it.  I didn't want to praise God.  But my mood did get better about 30 mintues into the service. 

Knowing that the one year anniversary is literally around the corner, I think that my emotions, as well as Josh's, are scattered.  How could a year have already gone by?  It seems like just yesterday, yet it doesn't...

Comfort and Hope in the Lord

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

I need to mediate on this precious piece of scripture. The past week has been one of the hardest. That is why I've been isolating myself, in a sense, from most people. To be honest, I just want to be around Josh and Evan. Others, while well-intentioned, simply don't understand what we are going through. People move on with their lives; and rightfully so, they should. But unless you have walked in someone's shoes, you simply cannot know what they are going through--ever.

We are moving very soon, and there are many out there that I know want to see us and say goodbye. We feel the same way. Please keep us lifted up in prayer. Brighter days are on the horizon. There is always hope in Him.

The Grief Process

Many text books on psychology, books on grief, and other materials give details on the grief process. There are about five steps that most scholars will say that people go through. The order in which one goes through them is all over the place. I am writing about this, because I am honestly smack in the middle of grief. It has almost been five weeks since Ethan passed, but it doesn't seem fathomable. It seems like just yesterday I said goodbye. Yet on the other hand, it feels like forever ago. I am sure to those of you out there this simply doesn't make sense--but in my mind, it does. I am also writing on this subject, because we all know that death in inevitable, and that one day we will all lose a loved one, and then perish ourselves. My intention isn't to scare anyone, or to worry anyone. My intentions are genuine, and that is to educate and be honest and open. As I write, this isn't easy. My heart aches, and I want to cry. This just doesn't seem fair. But I know life isn't fair, and I also know God knows better. Ethan is where he has always desired to be--with Him. But the flesh wants, the heart aches, and some days are just very hard.

Now, I would venture to say that most of you out there have lost someone close, such as a grandparent/parent or aunt/uncle or friend. I would also venture to say that many of you out there haven't (and thank God) lost a child. But I am fully aware that there are those out there that have, and you know my and Josh's pain. There is not doubt that the good Lord created the human emotion/state of being in shock. I thank the Lord that he put me into shock almost instantaneously after the accident. Shock, numbness, and the awesome strength of the Lord is what got me through those critical first days (as did the thousands of prayers, and supportive friends that love us). For about two weeks, I felt like I was not in my own body. It was a phenomenon of being in autopilot--simply just getting up and doing what had to be done, but not mentally being "all there." I was in a fog of sorts. People will tell me something, and I will almost always forget. It's not that I don't care, it's just that my mind simply is consumed by thoughts of my angel in heaven. With time, and the Lord's awesome healing power, I know we will find what is as normal as can be with a huge piece missing from our lives.

Overall, considering what we have been through, we are all doing well. But then some days are just so much harder. This move to WA will be good for all of us. We desperately need a fresh start away from here. We will miss all of our friends, our church home, and the near and dear to our heart places we went together as a family on a regular basis: Mt. Charleston, Red Rock Canyon, Spring Mountain Ranch, The Coffee Cup Cafe, Korean Garden, Lied Children's Museum, etc.

As of August 2010, Lord willing, we will officially be living in Washington State.