Today I ventured out of my comfort zone that I have placed myself in this past year, and met up with some nice homeschool mommies and children at a park. Of course, the common question of "how many children do you have" ensued. Wanting not to introduce myself by giving our whole history/life story this past year, I introduced Evan. Once I had been at the park for a little while, I opened up to one of the mommies. She had tears in her eyes. She asked me if it gets any easier. I hesitated to answer that, and sat and pondered for a few seconds to find the right words to explain my feelings and opinion.
Though I do not cry every single day, have rough grief days everyday, NO it's NOT easier. I think that Josh and Evan and I have learned to lean on Jesus even more than ever before, and have learned to live without Ethan here on earth with us. I do not think it's easier. Every single day I feel like something is missing; like my life has been turned wrong side out. Sort of like when you have an off day because your schedule or routine got thrown out of whack...that is how I feel every day. Or when you forget something you were supposed to do that was super important, and it nags at you all day and just sets the mood for an off day...yeah, that's how I feel a lot. I say this not to be a complainer, because I try to be and stay positive and thankful and blessed. I write this more so for myself to document my path on the grief journey, and for others who are or will walk this sad road. My heart hurts for all of you who have lost a child. It's not in the natural order of life, but please know that the Lord wants to hold you and be your guide and strength.
A common thing a lot of people have said is that they do not know how I seem so normal and just how I get out of bed and continue on. One word: Jesus. He is my All, my Rock, my Saviour, my Everything! Secondly, I have a husband and another child who need me. They keep me going as well. Thirdly, Ethan. He wouldn't want his mommy to give up on life. He wants his family to be happy and continue on and live for the Lord.