Anger

This is a very personal post, but I feel the need to share, because I know that someone out there (if not today, someday) will stumble upon my blog in their time of need.  There have been quite a few people out there that have very bluntly and honestly blogged about losing their child.  I want to be as honest ans I can, because the Lord has called me to minister to the bereaved.  In all fairness, only honesty will do.  If I sat here and put an act on and acted like I was strong everyday, I'd be a liar.  The truth is, I am not strong everyday, and though the Lord is my only strength--I still fall short. Though I am saved and forgiven, I'm still a sinful, broken human.  There is NO way I can be strong all of the time.  The past couple of weeks it's been up and down, up and down.  And you know what...that's okay!  It's okay to be broken, to cry, to grieve, to be angry.  What happened to us doesn't seem fair.  But was it fair for Jesus to die for our sin?  Are the bumps in the road in life that we encounter the very least we can endure for the huge price that was paid for us?  I emphatically say YES!
 
About three weeks after Ethan died, both Josh and I went through about a week of anger.  Real, honest, heart-wrenching anger.  I myself wasn't mad at God, I was mad at most everyone else who had all of their children, and yet I didn't.  I know that this sounds selfish, but at the time, it was honestly how I felt.  We are only human, and even those with the most loving hearts can absolutely fall into the depths of very negative, but real, emotions. 

On and of since June 5th, 2010 I have battled feelings of anger, sadness, depression, numbness, etc.  It's a spaghetti bowl of twirled up emotions, some that come and stay for longer, and others that leave quickly. 

I'm finding that about every 6-8weeks now I have what I have termed, "Hard Grief."  This is the grief that sends me into a room by myself, crying and bawling until there is nothing left.  Yes, it has been a year.  No, I will never get over it.  Josh and Evan will never get over it.  But with God's loving grace, we shall learn day by day to get into a "new normal."  The pain will lessen, but never go away.  I think this is hard for a lot of people to understand, who haven't lost a close loved one.

Those of you out there that have lost a child, never feel that it's been too long and you shouldn't cry.  It is certainly and understandably normal to cry.  It isn't normal to cry everyday all day long and never live a newly adjusted life.  In such case, I beg and plead you to seek counsel from a loving pastor or Christian counselor.  Oftentimes, it is very helpful to see advice from a Godly individual that is neutral, and has a heart to help others.  But please know that I still do cry.  Sometimes it is brief and I get on with my day.  Sometimes it's for 30 minutes.  Some weeks I am okay and I don't cry.  There truly isn't a rhyme or reason--but God surely knows our hearts and will wipe away the tears. 

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes;  and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain;  for the former things are passed away.  Revelation 21:4  (God assuring us that in the end, when the earth is no more, there will be no more BAD but only GOOD for those who have trusted Him with their lives!)

Does it Get Any Easier?

Today I ventured out of my comfort zone that I have placed myself in this past year, and met up with some nice homeschool mommies and children at a park.  Of course, the common question of "how many children do you have" ensued.  Wanting not to introduce myself by giving our whole history/life story this past year, I introduced Evan.  Once I had been at the park for a little while, I opened up to one of the mommies.  She had tears in her eyes. She asked me if it gets any easier.  I hesitated to answer that, and sat and pondered for a few seconds to find the right words to explain my feelings and opinion. 

Though I do not cry every single day, have rough grief days everyday, NO it's NOT easier.  I think that Josh and Evan and I have learned to lean on Jesus even more than ever before, and have learned to live without Ethan here on earth with us.  I do not think it's easier.  Every single day I feel like something is missing; like my life has been turned wrong side out.  Sort of like when you have an off day because your schedule or routine got thrown out of whack...that is how I feel every day.  Or when you forget something you were supposed to do that was super important, and it nags at you all day and just sets the mood for an off day...yeah, that's how I feel a lot.  I say this not to be a complainer, because I try to be and stay positive and thankful and blessed.  I write this more so for myself to document my path on the grief journey, and for others who are or will walk this sad road.  My heart hurts for all of you who have lost a child.  It's not in the natural order of life, but please know that the Lord wants to hold you and be your guide and strength.

A common thing a lot of people have said is that they do not know how I seem so normal and just how I get out of bed and continue on.  One word:  Jesus.  He is my All, my Rock, my Saviour, my Everything!  Secondly, I have a husband and another child who need me.  They keep me going as well.  Thirdly, Ethan.  He wouldn't want his mommy to give up on life.  He wants his family to be happy and continue on and live for the Lord.

In Memory of Ethan Joshua

Our oldest son, Ethan Joshua, passed away 5 Jun 10. He is missed by so many, but especially his little brother Evan, and his Mommy and Daddy. Losing a child is said to be the worst type of loss one could endure, and I do believe this to be true. It's as though a huge part of you is missing, and will never be replaced. It's only by the grace of God that we can get through this difficult time. God is amazing, as are our community of friends and family. I cannot fathom one going through such a loss, or any loss of that sort, without a personal relationship with the Lord. Am I witnessing? Why yes I am. That's what Ethan would have wanted, and I will do my best to honor his memory by being a witness and sharing my testimony. Ethan's passing was a tragedy. He was a healthy boy of 7, and what happened to us can happen to anyone--ANYONE. He drowned in a pool where adults were all around. There was plenty of supervision. It happened in the blink of an eye, and that's all it takes. The what- ifs plague our minds, but the comfort of the Lord and knowing that Ethan in safe in heaven gives us hope and comfort. I cannot describe the beautiful comfort that the Lord has given Josh and I. Because there is NO way I could have gotten through this as sane as I have without my Heavenly Father. He loves me. He loves you. He cares. He is good ALL of the time, and He knows what he is doing. It's just hard sometimes to let go and let God. It's easy to get caught up in the flesh and thinking about what could have been, when what we need to focus on is the here and now. Ethan is gone, but he isn't forgotten. We miss him every minute of everyday. If you get a chance, look up the following verses for us, and for the memory of Ethan: Proverbs 3:5, and Matthew 7:12. He exemplified both of these verses. In fact, a couple of days before he passed, out of the blue he said,"Mommy, I am going to take the straight path to God (as he pointed toward heaven)." This just warms my heart, knowing that a little boy of 7 was so in love with the Lord that he was ready to take the straight path to heaven. Are you?