This is a very personal post, but I feel the need to share, because I know that someone out there (if not today, someday) will stumble upon my blog in their time of need. There have been quite a few people out there that have very bluntly and honestly blogged about losing their child. I want to be as honest ans I can, because the Lord has called me to minister to the bereaved. In all fairness, only honesty will do. If I sat here and put an act on and acted like I was strong everyday, I'd be a liar. The truth is, I am not strong everyday, and though the Lord is my only strength--I still fall short. Though I am saved and forgiven, I'm still a sinful, broken human. There is NO way I can be strong all of the time. The past couple of weeks it's been up and down, up and down. And you know what...that's okay! It's okay to be broken, to cry, to grieve, to be angry. What happened to us doesn't seem fair. But was it fair for Jesus to die for our sin? Are the bumps in the road in life that we encounter the very least we can endure for the huge price that was paid for us? I emphatically say YES!
About three weeks after Ethan died, both Josh and I went through about a week of anger. Real, honest, heart-wrenching anger. I myself wasn't mad at God, I was mad at most everyone else who had all of their children, and yet I didn't. I know that this sounds selfish, but at the time, it was honestly how I felt. We are only human, and even those with the most loving hearts can absolutely fall into the depths of very negative, but real, emotions.
On and of since June 5th, 2010 I have battled feelings of anger, sadness, depression, numbness, etc. It's a spaghetti bowl of twirled up emotions, some that come and stay for longer, and others that leave quickly.
I'm finding that about every 6-8weeks now I have what I have termed, "Hard Grief." This is the grief that sends me into a room by myself, crying and bawling until there is nothing left. Yes, it has been a year. No, I will never get over it. Josh and Evan will never get over it. But with God's loving grace, we shall learn day by day to get into a "new normal." The pain will lessen, but never go away. I think this is hard for a lot of people to understand, who haven't lost a close loved one.
Those of you out there that have lost a child, never feel that it's been too long and you shouldn't cry. It is certainly and understandably normal to cry. It isn't normal to cry everyday all day long and never live a newly adjusted life. In such case, I beg and plead you to seek counsel from a loving pastor or Christian counselor. Oftentimes, it is very helpful to see advice from a Godly individual that is neutral, and has a heart to help others. But please know that I still do cry. Sometimes it is brief and I get on with my day. Sometimes it's for 30 minutes. Some weeks I am okay and I don't cry. There truly isn't a rhyme or reason--but God surely knows our hearts and will wipe away the tears.
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away. Revelation 21:4 (God assuring us that in the end, when the earth is no more, there will be no more BAD but only GOOD for those who have trusted Him with their lives!)