Saturday, November 12, 2011

How Am I?

Hey friends!  I haven't written in a while, simply because I don't know what to say sometimes.  And when I do know what to say, I am not sure I want to share it with the public.  But I am reminded that my purpose and ministry besides being a wife and mother and teacher is to minister to bereaved mothers (and fathers too).  If I write about my grief journey, it just may help that someone out there that is where I was a year ago.

How have I been?  That's hard to say, and yet so easy to say.  I am blessed!  Blessed beyond measure.  I have Josh and Evan and the best friends in the entire world.  I have my extended family.  I have a home, food, clothing, love from my Josh and Evan.  Most importantly, I have Jesus! 

However, there is still this huge hole that remains in my heart.  A hole that will not ever be filled until I leave this earth and go to be with the Lord.  In heaven it won't matter what has happened on earth, because those troubles will be long gone, and eternity will be glorious and happy.  But until then, I miss Ethan beyond what words can explain.  It just hurts so bad.

One of the most common comments I hear is, "I couldn't go on if something happened to one of my children."  Or,"I don't know how you do it."  I hear these comments even from the strongest of Christians.  Let me emphasize, it's not ME, it's HIM.  I cannot do all things WITHOUT Christ.  But I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens ME!  Simple, and yet it can be complex, as that...Christ. 

I will not lie, I would have never chosen this road to walk.  I don't like what has happened to Josh, Evan and I, and still often, I will cry like a baby, curled up in a ball on the ground.  I'm not always strong.  There is often sorrow behind my smiles.  But I keep going on because I have to, and because Jesus is just that amazing.  Never underestimate the power of Jesus!

If you remember, please keep us in prayer as we approach the holidays, and Ethan's Birthday/The Golden Rule Day on November 29th.  The holidays are not any easier.  I am deep down not looking forward to the holiday season.  Last year was the first year without Ethan for the holidays, but looking back, I remember very little of what we did for Thanksgiving and Christmas--I think the shock hadn't worn off.