Thursday, May 19, 2011

Writing About My Ethan--Late post

I thought that perhaps remembering some memories about Ethan would brighten the remainder of the evening, on this Mother's Day.  For those who never met Ethan, I am truly sad because he was quite the unique and kind little man.  He was so compassionate, loving, observant, moral, silly, eccentric, etc. 

Though right now my mind is a bit muddled and I can't think of a particular memory to write about, I will write about some of the things he did a lot.

One thing Ethan would do every single morning is wake up, go to the homeschool room, and read for about an hour ever morning!  This started at about 6AM!  He loved to read and couldn't read enough.  Both Josh and I have similar personalities in that we require a bit of "alone time" each day--you know, where you grab a book and read for a bit.  Ethan caught that habit by hereditary for sure.

Ethan loved to swing!  Just about everyday, he would either get on our swingset, or go to the park just behind our house, and swing, swing, swing!!  I often wondered what he was thinking as he swung back and forth, carefree and so peaceful.  Maybe that was his alone time with the Lord? 

And oh the love of trees!  Ethan just loved his trees!  With the help of his Sibley Tree Guide, he was determined to learn which trees were which, and everything about them.  Of course, that was challenging with most of his life being lived in the desert.  Any opportunity to get into nature and hike and see God's Creation, was like going to Disney for him.  That WAS his Disney. 

Speaking of hiking, we often went to Red Rock Canyon National Conservation Area just outside of Las Vegas, and hiked as a family.  That child was fearless of heights!  For such a cautious and guarded child, all of his fears melted away once we arrived out there and began our hike.  We would hike challenging areas, and he just seemed so calm and sure of his footing, and he sure was!  He never slipped and fell once.

Ethan, I love you and miss you everyday.  It's hard to believe you've been with Jesus for almost an entire year.  THANK YOU JESUS, for holding us and giving us strength to continue!

2002...Think again

This past Sunday, I went to a church near my sister's house.  I'm sort of church hopping until we get settled into our new home out in the country.  It's really too far to drive from her house out there where we will live.  So the searching for a new church home will most likely wait until we are moved.

Anyway, Evan decided to go into children's church today.  Since we were guests, I had to fill out paperwork.  On that paperwork I had to obviosuly, include his date of birth.  I jotted that and all of the other information down.  The kind volunteer then looked the paperwork over and said,"So he's second grade, right?"  I looked at her sort of confused and said,"No, I put Kindergarten down, didn't I?" 

I had put the wrong date of birth.  I should have put 2005.  Instead I put the year as 2002--Ethan's year.  SIGH.

I apologized to the volunteer and explained I put my other child's year of birth.  She asked if I had another child (I'm sure so that they could add him to the paperwork).  My reply was yes, but he died.  Of course, the shocked looked ensued.  She asked how long ago, I told her almost a year ago.  Then I teared up...again.  Lately, I cannot think about Ethan or talk about him without tearing up.  At least, not when I am in these sort of situations.

Occurrances like that are upsetting.  I'm not mad or upset with the volunteer.  It's just another reminder that my son who I wish were here, isn't here any longer.  And once I tear up, my day just seems so long and mentally draining.  I get really tired, and my mood changes dramatically.  I went from excited to visit a new place to...down in the dumps.  The first half of church, I just wasn't feeling it.  I didn't want to praise God.  But my mood did get better about 30 mintues into the service. 

Knowing that the one year anniversary is literally around the corner, I think that my emotions, as well as Josh's, are scattered.  How could a year have already gone by?  It seems like just yesterday, yet it doesn't...

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

As families celebrate Mother's Day here in the United States, my heart is heavy for those who have lost a child, or who have never been able to conceive a child of their own.  God gave us a natural instinct to be mothers, and when we lose a child, or cannot have children of our own, it hurts--BADLY. 

This is my first Mother's Day without Ethan.  I am sad.  I'm also sad for the beautiful ladies that I have known (before Ethan passing), and now know through losing Ethan, who have been through the sadness my family and I have endured. 

For all of you out there that are bereaved, my heart is truly heavy, and I have prayed for you all.  For those who have never been able to have children of their own, my heart also is heavy for you all, and I have prayed, and have also become ever so more appreciative that I've been blessed with Ethan and Evan.  I have experienced what some never get to experience, and so badly want with every ounce of their being--bearing children.

For those who have never lost a child or have not had fertility issues, please keep a watchful eye out today, and always, because the holidays truly are difficult.  If we could step outside of  ourselves and have compassion for others, well let's just say it could make someones sad heart feel better.

The's another reminder that the one we love isn't here on earth any longer.  But I trust my God.  He holds my son now, and because of my faith and the promise of eternity (through Jesus paying it all on the Cross), I have hope to see my son again!  Thank you Jesus!