Thursday, May 19, 2011

2002...Think again

This past Sunday, I went to a church near my sister's house.  I'm sort of church hopping until we get settled into our new home out in the country.  It's really too far to drive from her house out there where we will live.  So the searching for a new church home will most likely wait until we are moved.

Anyway, Evan decided to go into children's church today.  Since we were guests, I had to fill out paperwork.  On that paperwork I had to obviosuly, include his date of birth.  I jotted that and all of the other information down.  The kind volunteer then looked the paperwork over and said,"So he's second grade, right?"  I looked at her sort of confused and said,"No, I put Kindergarten down, didn't I?" 

I had put the wrong date of birth.  I should have put 2005.  Instead I put the year as 2002--Ethan's year.  SIGH.

I apologized to the volunteer and explained I put my other child's year of birth.  She asked if I had another child (I'm sure so that they could add him to the paperwork).  My reply was yes, but he died.  Of course, the shocked looked ensued.  She asked how long ago, I told her almost a year ago.  Then I teared up...again.  Lately, I cannot think about Ethan or talk about him without tearing up.  At least, not when I am in these sort of situations.

Occurrances like that are upsetting.  I'm not mad or upset with the volunteer.  It's just another reminder that my son who I wish were here, isn't here any longer.  And once I tear up, my day just seems so long and mentally draining.  I get really tired, and my mood changes dramatically.  I went from excited to visit a new place to...down in the dumps.  The first half of church, I just wasn't feeling it.  I didn't want to praise God.  But my mood did get better about 30 mintues into the service. 

Knowing that the one year anniversary is literally around the corner, I think that my emotions, as well as Josh's, are scattered.  How could a year have already gone by?  It seems like just yesterday, yet it doesn't...


Anonymous said...

I have to say that the Lord has been putting your family on my heart around this time. I had lost your name, but had your sons name in my phone for the June 5th to encourage you on this day.
God's grace is all that can sustain you in this fallen world we live in. Praise be to Him that your hope and comfort is that one day you will be reunited with Ethan. That does not dampen the pain and agony you feel in times like you shared above. The only thing to do is lean more heavily on Him.
Your testimony has gripped me especially, because my oldest dear son was born in the same year. Ethan and he were only a month apart in age.
Just know that you have a HOD friend who keeps you in her prayers all the time.

Shannon said...

Sandra, my apologies for just now replying. Thank you for your kind words and prayers! I truly appreciate it so very much! Hugs!

Shannon Wallace

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

*sigh* paper reminders, tax forms, all of it just stinks.

i wish i could've known ethan... one day i will meet him face to face!