Many text books on psychology, books on grief, and other materials give details on the grief process. There are about five steps that most scholars will say that people go through. The order in which one goes through them is all over the place. I am writing about this, because I am honestly smack in the middle of grief. It has almost been five weeks since Ethan passed, but it doesn't seem fathomable. It seems like just yesterday I said goodbye. Yet on the other hand, it feels like forever ago. I am sure to those of you out there this simply doesn't make sense--but in my mind, it does. I am also writing on this subject, because we all know that death in inevitable, and that one day we will all lose a loved one, and then perish ourselves. My intention isn't to scare anyone, or to worry anyone. My intentions are genuine, and that is to educate and be honest and open. As I write, this isn't easy. My heart aches, and I want to cry. This just doesn't seem fair. But I know life isn't fair, and I also know God knows better. Ethan is where he has always desired to be--with Him. But the flesh wants, the heart aches, and some days are just very hard.
Now, I would venture to say that most of you out there have lost someone close, such as a grandparent/parent or aunt/uncle or friend. I would also venture to say that many of you out there haven't (and thank God) lost a child. But I am fully aware that there are those out there that have, and you know my and Josh's pain. There is not doubt that the good Lord created the human emotion/state of being in shock. I thank the Lord that he put me into shock almost instantaneously after the accident. Shock, numbness, and the awesome strength of the Lord is what got me through those critical first days (as did the thousands of prayers, and supportive friends that love us). For about two weeks, I felt like I was not in my own body. It was a phenomenon of being in autopilot--simply just getting up and doing what had to be done, but not mentally being "all there." I was in a fog of sorts. People will tell me something, and I will almost always forget. It's not that I don't care, it's just that my mind simply is consumed by thoughts of my angel in heaven. With time, and the Lord's awesome healing power, I know we will find what is as normal as can be with a huge piece missing from our lives.
Overall, considering what we have been through, we are all doing well. But then some days are just so much harder. This move to WA will be good for all of us. We desperately need a fresh start away from here. We will miss all of our friends, our church home, and the near and dear to our heart places we went together as a family on a regular basis: Mt. Charleston, Red Rock Canyon, Spring Mountain Ranch, The Coffee Cup Cafe, Korean Garden, Lied Children's Museum, etc.
As of August 2010, Lord willing, we will officially be living in Washington State.