The more and more time I pray and seek what God would have me do, the more I feel compelled to blog more and Facebook much less or not at all. I feel that my family's story, which is among the millions of those that have lost a child, IS important, and it IS for the Lord's glory.
Ethan passed away almost 22 months ago in a tragic accident. Does the day to day get easier? That is a difficult question in which I had answered no. You see, grief does "lift" more often, and there are more good than bad days...most of the time. However, Josh or Evan or I can have a really spectacular day and then, BAM...emotions come flooding through.
This past Friday at swim lessons (Evan had been enrolled for almost a year now) Evan had another crying episode. Now I must applaud my son, not to be boastful. But he sure is one brave young man! He had been doing so well that he was almost ready to "ring" to the next level. Over the past three months give or take, he has struggled. But anyway, back to last Friday morning, he started to cry. Apparently, one of the little boys in his class told to stop being so whiny/babyish, and poor Evan told him that he's scared because his brother drowned in a pool. Evan tells me all of this while we are in the dressing room after his lesson. And then, and this is the heart/gut wrenching/tearjerker: Evan tells me that his heart isn't the same since Ethan died, and that it feels like it has broken into a million pieces. My heart sank and I began to cry, and of course, my compassionate son asked me why I was crying. Huge sigh. And then he tells me he wants a baby so bad so he can have another brother, or a sister. Son, I pray for that, and so do many others.
Not getting pregnant is another struggle for me. I had sort of found a place of contentedness over the course of the past few days and then this happens last week, among some other things that have triggered my emotions. I don't understand why Ethan died, why we haven't gotten pregnant after trying for about a year. The only thing I do know is God has a plan. It's a good plan, and I need to seek Him, not friends or books or Facebook or anything else but only Him. He knows the future, and in that future it's all for His glory. If only I could get my stubborn flesh past my emotions, which are all over the place at times.
Now back to the title of my blog, which as you have read, hasn't seemed at all to relate to what I have written. The future that I see is to do more writing, for His glory. Writing about our grief journey, homeschooling and curriculum we use and what we think, and anything else the Lord lays upon my heart. And of course, a family update here and there and some pictures of our adventures.
I pray that if my blog has been of any blessing whatsoever to you, that you would kindly tell others who might benefit from what I write. Thank you in advance for the consideration!
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected (hope in your latter end) end. Jeremiah 29:11