How Am I?

Hey friends!  I haven't written in a while, simply because I don't know what to say sometimes.  And when I do know what to say, I am not sure I want to share it with the public.  But I am reminded that my purpose and ministry besides being a wife and mother and teacher is to minister to bereaved mothers (and fathers too).  If I write about my grief journey, it just may help that someone out there that is where I was a year ago.

How have I been?  That's hard to say, and yet so easy to say.  I am blessed!  Blessed beyond measure.  I have Josh and Evan and the best friends in the entire world.  I have my extended family.  I have a home, food, clothing, love from my Josh and Evan.  Most importantly, I have Jesus! 

However, there is still this huge hole that remains in my heart.  A hole that will not ever be filled until I leave this earth and go to be with the Lord.  In heaven it won't matter what has happened on earth, because those troubles will be long gone, and eternity will be glorious and happy.  But until then, I miss Ethan beyond what words can explain.  It just hurts so bad.

One of the most common comments I hear is, "I couldn't go on if something happened to one of my children."  Or,"I don't know how you do it."  I hear these comments even from the strongest of Christians.  Let me emphasize, it's not ME, it's HIM.  I cannot do all things WITHOUT Christ.  But I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens ME!  Simple, and yet it can be complex, as that...Christ. 

I will not lie, I would have never chosen this road to walk.  I don't like what has happened to Josh, Evan and I, and still often, I will cry like a baby, curled up in a ball on the ground.  I'm not always strong.  There is often sorrow behind my smiles.  But I keep going on because I have to, and because Jesus is just that amazing.  Never underestimate the power of Jesus!

If you remember, please keep us in prayer as we approach the holidays, and Ethan's Birthday/The Golden Rule Day on November 29th.  The holidays are not any easier.  I am deep down not looking forward to the holiday season.  Last year was the first year without Ethan for the holidays, but looking back, I remember very little of what we did for Thanksgiving and Christmas--I think the shock hadn't worn off. 

Happy 6th Birthday, Evan!

Evan turned six years old yesterday!  Praise the Lord!!!

He was born around 0630 at Lackland AFB, TX and he weighed in at 7lbs. 4oz (the same as his mommy and his big brother Ethan), on 21 Oct 2005.

Little did I know how different this little guy would be from his big brother.  How naive I was...thinking ALL babies were the same!  Let's just say that this sweet boy was momma's challenge.  Little did I know why this would end up being a wonderful quality!

I remember when Evan was around 6 months old (and crawling) he found a Glade Plug in scented oil doo hickey.  Yeah, by the time I realized he had it, he was trying to ingest the liquid!  YIKES!!!  From that moment on, life changed forever because:  a.  child-proofing wasn't needed with Ethan,  b.  Evan broke through child-proof barriers before big brother,  c.  Evan had quite the "where there's a will, there's a way"  attitude.

I will not lie, I questioned God many times why He would give me such a challenging child!  Of course, I've always loved my Evan, equally the same as my Ethan.  But of course, I was about to pull my hair out at times because Evan was almost always a step or two ahead of momma! 

Fast forward to just a few weeks ago, and the answer occurred to me...God knew that Ethan would leave us at a young age to be with Him.  He knew that to keep the laughter and life alive in our home, we would need a strong leader and energetic child to keep us sane.  I thank the Lord (and I know Josh does too) for this ball of energy called Evan!  He is kind, sweet, godly, thoughtful, ornery, very active, inquisitive, busy-bodied, rambunctious, helpful, an initiative taker...and I could go on and on.  What I am trying to say is that what appears to us as a negative personality trait can indeed be a blessing in disguise.  We must find the positive in each situation.  God didn't make a mistake when He created rambunctious children.  It's up to us a parents to channel that energy into a positive.

I am thankful that the Lord blessed us with a child who is so vibrant and strong-willed! 

Happy Birthday Evan!!!  I love you so much. :o)

Someone in the World is Worse Off Than Me

As parents who have been through the loss of a child, both Josh and I have had some very hard, emotional, and trying days.  However, when you think your situation is bad, there is someone else out there 1000 times worse off than yourself.

A week ago, an innocent teenage girl was brutally abducted and murdered in Las Vegas.  This tragedy hits so close to home because it was a fellow Air Force family that now has to bury their child.  But under much, much worse circumstances.  Josh and I know the shock, numb, anguish, etc. that Alyssa's family feels.  However, I do not and cannot fathom the utter fear, anger, horror, etc. that they feel, knowing that a very horrible person violated and brutally murdered their child.  I do not want to know what that is like.  My heart absolutely aches and cries out for them. 

Unlike us, they will have to revisit their daughter's death over and over when they attend court hearings for the trial of their daughter's murder.  They are probably not able to have an open casket as we were, because this very bad man violated and did horrible things to her body.  Unlike our son, Alyssa died a cruel, painful, and absolutely horrible death.  I could go on and on, but I will not.  Bottom line--we are thankful--it could have been MUCH worse. 

I have read in my GriefShare literature that the cause of death and age of the person and relationship of that person will determine hard the grief will be.  In our case, it is a very traumatic.  However, with Alyssa's family, it is traumatic, traumatic, traumatic...  God bless you all, the Otremba Family.  You are in our thoughts and prayers.  I want you to know, if by the will and grace of the Lord you get this message, that I am here for you and I will try to help in any way possible.

Blessed are they that mourn:  for they shall be comforted.  Matthew 5:4

Does it Get Any Easier?

Today I ventured out of my comfort zone that I have placed myself in this past year, and met up with some nice homeschool mommies and children at a park.  Of course, the common question of "how many children do you have" ensued.  Wanting not to introduce myself by giving our whole history/life story this past year, I introduced Evan.  Once I had been at the park for a little while, I opened up to one of the mommies.  She had tears in her eyes. She asked me if it gets any easier.  I hesitated to answer that, and sat and pondered for a few seconds to find the right words to explain my feelings and opinion. 

Though I do not cry every single day, have rough grief days everyday, NO it's NOT easier.  I think that Josh and Evan and I have learned to lean on Jesus even more than ever before, and have learned to live without Ethan here on earth with us.  I do not think it's easier.  Every single day I feel like something is missing; like my life has been turned wrong side out.  Sort of like when you have an off day because your schedule or routine got thrown out of whack...that is how I feel every day.  Or when you forget something you were supposed to do that was super important, and it nags at you all day and just sets the mood for an off day...yeah, that's how I feel a lot.  I say this not to be a complainer, because I try to be and stay positive and thankful and blessed.  I write this more so for myself to document my path on the grief journey, and for others who are or will walk this sad road.  My heart hurts for all of you who have lost a child.  It's not in the natural order of life, but please know that the Lord wants to hold you and be your guide and strength.

A common thing a lot of people have said is that they do not know how I seem so normal and just how I get out of bed and continue on.  One word:  Jesus.  He is my All, my Rock, my Saviour, my Everything!  Secondly, I have a husband and another child who need me.  They keep me going as well.  Thirdly, Ethan.  He wouldn't want his mommy to give up on life.  He wants his family to be happy and continue on and live for the Lord.

Hey Ya'll

Just wanted to say hi, and yes, I haven't blogged in a while.  I've written but haven't "published."  I suppose I am in my hermit hole and hiding out and choosing if and when I will share my deepest feelings. 

We are all doing well.  Two months ago we passed the one year anniversary of Ethan's journey to Heaven.  June 5th wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be.  But towards the end of June I had a rough time of it.  Grief makes no sense!

We were blessed by all of my military sisters with a very special June Box.  The box arrived just as we moved into our new home here in Texas.  We/I had a gift to open every day in the month of June.  Though I appreciate each and every gift, the thought, love, tears, etc. put into the June Box meant more than anything!  These are precious women who love the Lord, and know it is better to give than to receive.  They know that love is important to shower on others in their times of sorrow and need.  Besides the love I get and receive daily from my husband and my boys, and of course, Jesus, I have never before felt so loved and cared for in my life! 

The house is coming along, slowly but surely.  Though it's a nice home and on some land, we did and still do have quite a lot of clean up to do.  There was a lot of neglect of the property, so we have a long way to go before the yard/property will be where we want it to be in terms of having a garden, pruned trees, green grass (oh this drought!), landscaping, paved drive-way, etc.

Evan and I started back to school mid-June!  He is a Kindergartner!!!  He is growing up so fast, and what a little man he is, and oh how he has a heart for the Lord!  He reminds us a lot of Ethan, and that warms our hearts.  Evan is very good with numbers and science.  His favorite sit down work is doing his phonics workbook, his math, and mommy reading stories.  He loves his new, huge backyard!  Evan is always on the lookout for bugs, geckos, birds and nests, etc.  He truly is a nature lover.

Evan has also been enrolled at a swim school for going on almost 3 months, and he is doing so well.  Please be in prayer for him as he learns to float on his back.  He is afraid to be on his back, but I really think once he conquers this fear and masters floating on his back, he will excel very quickly!

Also, please be in prayer as we continue the search for a new home church.  It isn't easy, but I know God is faithful! 

And lastly, my dear husband made this cabinet for me from scrap wood!  Didn't he do such an awesome job?  I am decorating my house in antiques with a country/primitive theme!  It has been fun to start over and change the look of my home, and I have acquired some cute items while I lived in Washington, and from some dear friends.
Thanks for reading my long novel!  I hope you are all happy and blessed and doing well!

God is Amazing!

On Tuesday, in the middle of Evan and I doing school work, I remembered that cemetery clean up for the month had started that morning.  Since moving back to Texas, we make sure to go out to Ft. Sam Houston National Cemetery at the beginning of each month (and other times too) to take the semi-permanent items off of Ethan's grave.  If items aren't removed, then they are thrown away--and I do mean anything.  But more on that later.

When I glanced at the clock when Evan and I were sitting at our dining room table (the usual place we sit to do sit down work for school), it was just before 10AM.  When I glanced at the clock inside my van, it was just after 10AM.  We arrived at Ft. Sam around 10:40 AM.  Ethan is  buried in the furthest section at Ft. Sam, so I assumed that since he was at the back, that we were safe and they would get to that area last.  WRONG!  I just about had a meltdown when we drove up and every single grave was empty.  I grabbed Evan and we RAN to the nearest cemetery employee, and asked where they had dumped the items.  This kind man, named Marian, escorted us to where they dump all items.  The huge mountain of dead flowers, artificial flowers, crosses, vases, windchimes, pinwheels, etc. is unbelievable.  It was sad to see some really nice items thrown away, and graves left barren.  However, this is necessary to keep up with the demanding mowing, weeding, and maintenance schedule of the cemetery grounds.

Upon seeing the mountain of items, it didn't look promising.  However, Ethan's cross with windchime and huge orange pinwheel were right there in front of out eyes!  God is amazing!  The only thing missing was an orange Hotwheel and a black Hotwheel car.  Evan started to cry, and was having a meltdown over those items being thrown away.  Marian told us to go back to Ethan's grave and to wait on him and he would look for us.  Not even ten minutes later, the kind man had BOTH Hotwheel cars!

That was one of the best days I have had since moving to Texas.  It has been hard on me for some reason since we moved.  I needed a day like this past Tuesday, August 2.

Quilting is therapy...and a Giveaway

I have tried my hand at a few hobbies, but have decided that quilting and sewing are my new, and hopefully permanent, hobbies.  When walking a long road down the path of grief, it is, of course, most important to lean on the Lord.  But it's also good to find something to keep you busy and to get excited about.  For me that was completing my first rag quilt.  I haven't completed a "real" quilt that is bound, but I have completed that first rag quilt, and that lifted my spirits.  It gave me a sense of finishing something, and a hopeful outlook that perhaps I could use my new found talent to help and bless others!

Speaking of quilting, why not hop on over to http://blog.1choice4quilting.com/2011/08/new-fabric-giiveaway-with-3-lucky.html today?  They are having a spectacular giveaway, and who doesn't want fabric for free?  Times are tough for many, and money is very tight. Hop on over and enter to win and check out their sales.

Have a happy and blessed day!