Monday, December 6, 2010

When Things Seem Okay...

Then things are NOT okay.  Grief is very cyclical, like the ebbs and flows of an ocean, though it's not beautiful like the ocean.  Today I am so down and sad.  I do not want to clean house, nor much anything else for that matter.  Now that we are back from Texas, it's "back to normal" around here.  Josh is back at work after being off for some time, and it's just Evan and I.  Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to be a stay at home mommy and be here with Evan all the time.  But today I just want to be in bed and do nothing. 

For most of October and some of November, I was doing pretty well in my grief journey.  Prior to that I was a mess.  Always crying (or it seemed like always), sad, afraid, worried, etc.  But for that short reprieve from grief, I felt great!  I cried little to none.  I thought to myself, hey, maybe I am working through this and the holidays won't be so bad.  WRONG!  I'm learning that grief is very cyclical, and that it just takes time, prayer, and leaning on the Lord to make it through. 

I don't want to hear:  Have a Holly Jolly Christmas, or any other sappy happy Christmas song for that matter!  I want my son back.  I want life as it was prior to June 5th.  I don't want to celebrate Christmas.  But I know that in all fairness to Evan, we need to continue with the season, and put up a tree.  But I also know that we truly need to celebrate Christmas for what it is:  CHRIST!  Gifts, Christmas parties, holiday shopping, etc. is NOT what it's all about.  The world can try to take Christ out of Christmas, but we are sure going to do out best to keep it all about Him. 

Thank you Ethan for showing us all what is most important!  I'm just so sorry that you aren't here with us, but then again, you are in the ultimate place, the final destination that those who believe want to be--Heaven!  Mommy loves you and misses you so much. :o)

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