The Victories of Our Past, and I Need Help!

If you read my post from a couple of days ago, I wrote about fear, and mentioned Max Lucado's Fear Not Devotional.  In that particular devotion, Max wrote about not focusing on the worries ahead, but the victories of the past.  I like that, and what he has written has inspired me to focus on the victories.  Perhaps focusing on victories will help to not focus on fears.

Would you join me in sharing victories?  Maybe share on here commenting, or we can do a link up and I can link your blog up if you choose to post a blog on victories of the past.  BUT I need help on linking up, because I have no clue how to do that!!!

Perhaps if we can reflect on victories of the past...those times that seemed as if we would never make it through, we could find encouragement and strength.  We can pause and give thanks to the One who gave us that peace that surpasses understanding.  We will then know and understand that we can and will make it through this temporary life because we can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us!

Fear

I think fear is something that most of us have or do struggle with on a pretty regular basis.  Especially if we have survived a very traumatic experience, or have faced health issues, etc.  But do we talk about it?  I don't think a lot of us do.  In our society, I believe people who are perceived as weak are looked down upon, therefore, we don't express fear.  Even more sad, I think there is this perception that Christians are supposed to always "have it together," and therefore, we don't express how we really feel because that would make us look not as Christ-like.  But is that true?  No.  We are only human, and we are, whether we like it or not, going to have fear at several points in our life.  It's what we do with that fear that will be life-changing not only for us, but for our families and our friends. 

This morning, as I struggled with my fears, I picked up my copy of Max Lucado's devotional Fear Not.  I purchased this little gem back in June of 2010, when we were in San Antonio saying our final goodbye on earth to Ethan.  Though I don't read through it much, I feel God leading me to open up not only this book, but His Word more often.  How many times do I sit and worry about the what-ifs when those really don't ever come to fruition?  Jesus said in Matthew 6:27--Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?  In today's verbiage, Jesus was basically say who can grow or add to your life by being worried?  Powerful.  I've never gained anything by worry except for an ulcer. 

It's funny, and yet it's SO what my friends and I call "A God Thing," that Josh and Evan and I revisited a church this past Sunday that we are interested in making our church home.  And what was that sermon on?  Matthew 6:25-34.  Just in case you don't have your Bible available, or you don't read the Bible, those passages are about not having fear and trusting Him to provide.  Oh how God knew I needed to hear that sermon! 

I will close this post with one of the devotionals from Max's book I mentioned earlier in the post.  Here we go:

Are you tied up in knots?  Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7 NIV)  Strong verb there.  Cast.  Not place, lay, or occasionally offer... Max goes on to write:  Do the same with your fears.  Get serious with them.  Immediately cast them upon God.

Worry is an option, not an assignment.  God can lead you into a worry-free world.  Be quick to pray.  Focus less on the problems ahead and more on the victories behind.  Do your part, and God will do his.  He will guard your heart with his peace...a peace that surpasses understanding.

(From Max Lucado's Fear Not for I am with You Always Promise Book, copyright 2009)

As I sit her writing, Evan asks what I am writing about, and when I said fear and Jesus, he told me I need to write the following scripture:  God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid;  He gives us a spirit of power, and love, and self-control.  II Timothy 1:7 

Perhaps I should not only listen to God, but also my son?  Have a blessed day!

A Realization

(A very late post.  Was originally written 9-10-11, but I forgot to publish it)

Today Josh, Evan and I took a family outting to McAllister Park here in San Antonio to bike the trails.  We ended up doing a little over 7 miles, which to my amazement, is a lot for a 5 year old!  The whole bike ride, I kept looking at Evan and thinking how cute he is, and how full of energy and strength and endurance he is for just a little guy.  Which brought me back to when he was a wee little one.  You see, Evan was very challenging from about 6 months of age, on.  Ethan was a very easy baby, in comparison!  Here is an example:  With Ethan, we never child-proofed or safety locked anything in the house because he stayed out of everything.  Not the case with Mr. Evan, no sir!  We had to lock down the house like Ft. Knox, and even so, Evan was sometimes one step ahead of me!  But anyway, with easy going Ethan being my first baby and parenting experience, I just thought all babies were the same--WRONG!!! :o)  There were many times I would ask God why did you give me such a busy baby?  Lord, this is hard work!  EVAN!!!!!!  Stop that right now!!!!!  :o)

Of course, Evan is much easier now that he's a mature little guy.  But today I saw the blessing God gave to Josh and I in a very different light.  God knew that we would need our little busy body to keep us busy once Ethan was gone.  God knew what he was doing when he gave us an energetic bundle of energy!  I am thankful and blessed to have such an outgoing, interactive, energetic, talkative (who is also kind, sweet, Godly in character...could go on and on). 

On a side note, Lord I am so sorry for all of the times I complained about Evan's energy! :o)

How Am I?

Hey friends!  I haven't written in a while, simply because I don't know what to say sometimes.  And when I do know what to say, I am not sure I want to share it with the public.  But I am reminded that my purpose and ministry besides being a wife and mother and teacher is to minister to bereaved mothers (and fathers too).  If I write about my grief journey, it just may help that someone out there that is where I was a year ago.

How have I been?  That's hard to say, and yet so easy to say.  I am blessed!  Blessed beyond measure.  I have Josh and Evan and the best friends in the entire world.  I have my extended family.  I have a home, food, clothing, love from my Josh and Evan.  Most importantly, I have Jesus! 

However, there is still this huge hole that remains in my heart.  A hole that will not ever be filled until I leave this earth and go to be with the Lord.  In heaven it won't matter what has happened on earth, because those troubles will be long gone, and eternity will be glorious and happy.  But until then, I miss Ethan beyond what words can explain.  It just hurts so bad.

One of the most common comments I hear is, "I couldn't go on if something happened to one of my children."  Or,"I don't know how you do it."  I hear these comments even from the strongest of Christians.  Let me emphasize, it's not ME, it's HIM.  I cannot do all things WITHOUT Christ.  But I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens ME!  Simple, and yet it can be complex, as that...Christ. 

I will not lie, I would have never chosen this road to walk.  I don't like what has happened to Josh, Evan and I, and still often, I will cry like a baby, curled up in a ball on the ground.  I'm not always strong.  There is often sorrow behind my smiles.  But I keep going on because I have to, and because Jesus is just that amazing.  Never underestimate the power of Jesus!

If you remember, please keep us in prayer as we approach the holidays, and Ethan's Birthday/The Golden Rule Day on November 29th.  The holidays are not any easier.  I am deep down not looking forward to the holiday season.  Last year was the first year without Ethan for the holidays, but looking back, I remember very little of what we did for Thanksgiving and Christmas--I think the shock hadn't worn off. 

Happy 6th Birthday, Evan!

Evan turned six years old yesterday!  Praise the Lord!!!

He was born around 0630 at Lackland AFB, TX and he weighed in at 7lbs. 4oz (the same as his mommy and his big brother Ethan), on 21 Oct 2005.

Little did I know how different this little guy would be from his big brother.  How naive I was...thinking ALL babies were the same!  Let's just say that this sweet boy was momma's challenge.  Little did I know why this would end up being a wonderful quality!

I remember when Evan was around 6 months old (and crawling) he found a Glade Plug in scented oil doo hickey.  Yeah, by the time I realized he had it, he was trying to ingest the liquid!  YIKES!!!  From that moment on, life changed forever because:  a.  child-proofing wasn't needed with Ethan,  b.  Evan broke through child-proof barriers before big brother,  c.  Evan had quite the "where there's a will, there's a way"  attitude.

I will not lie, I questioned God many times why He would give me such a challenging child!  Of course, I've always loved my Evan, equally the same as my Ethan.  But of course, I was about to pull my hair out at times because Evan was almost always a step or two ahead of momma! 

Fast forward to just a few weeks ago, and the answer occurred to me...God knew that Ethan would leave us at a young age to be with Him.  He knew that to keep the laughter and life alive in our home, we would need a strong leader and energetic child to keep us sane.  I thank the Lord (and I know Josh does too) for this ball of energy called Evan!  He is kind, sweet, godly, thoughtful, ornery, very active, inquisitive, busy-bodied, rambunctious, helpful, an initiative taker...and I could go on and on.  What I am trying to say is that what appears to us as a negative personality trait can indeed be a blessing in disguise.  We must find the positive in each situation.  God didn't make a mistake when He created rambunctious children.  It's up to us a parents to channel that energy into a positive.

I am thankful that the Lord blessed us with a child who is so vibrant and strong-willed! 

Happy Birthday Evan!!!  I love you so much. :o)

Someone in the World is Worse Off Than Me

As parents who have been through the loss of a child, both Josh and I have had some very hard, emotional, and trying days.  However, when you think your situation is bad, there is someone else out there 1000 times worse off than yourself.

A week ago, an innocent teenage girl was brutally abducted and murdered in Las Vegas.  This tragedy hits so close to home because it was a fellow Air Force family that now has to bury their child.  But under much, much worse circumstances.  Josh and I know the shock, numb, anguish, etc. that Alyssa's family feels.  However, I do not and cannot fathom the utter fear, anger, horror, etc. that they feel, knowing that a very horrible person violated and brutally murdered their child.  I do not want to know what that is like.  My heart absolutely aches and cries out for them. 

Unlike us, they will have to revisit their daughter's death over and over when they attend court hearings for the trial of their daughter's murder.  They are probably not able to have an open casket as we were, because this very bad man violated and did horrible things to her body.  Unlike our son, Alyssa died a cruel, painful, and absolutely horrible death.  I could go on and on, but I will not.  Bottom line--we are thankful--it could have been MUCH worse. 

I have read in my GriefShare literature that the cause of death and age of the person and relationship of that person will determine hard the grief will be.  In our case, it is a very traumatic.  However, with Alyssa's family, it is traumatic, traumatic, traumatic...  God bless you all, the Otremba Family.  You are in our thoughts and prayers.  I want you to know, if by the will and grace of the Lord you get this message, that I am here for you and I will try to help in any way possible.

Blessed are they that mourn:  for they shall be comforted.  Matthew 5:4

Does it Get Any Easier?

Today I ventured out of my comfort zone that I have placed myself in this past year, and met up with some nice homeschool mommies and children at a park.  Of course, the common question of "how many children do you have" ensued.  Wanting not to introduce myself by giving our whole history/life story this past year, I introduced Evan.  Once I had been at the park for a little while, I opened up to one of the mommies.  She had tears in her eyes. She asked me if it gets any easier.  I hesitated to answer that, and sat and pondered for a few seconds to find the right words to explain my feelings and opinion. 

Though I do not cry every single day, have rough grief days everyday, NO it's NOT easier.  I think that Josh and Evan and I have learned to lean on Jesus even more than ever before, and have learned to live without Ethan here on earth with us.  I do not think it's easier.  Every single day I feel like something is missing; like my life has been turned wrong side out.  Sort of like when you have an off day because your schedule or routine got thrown out of whack...that is how I feel every day.  Or when you forget something you were supposed to do that was super important, and it nags at you all day and just sets the mood for an off day...yeah, that's how I feel a lot.  I say this not to be a complainer, because I try to be and stay positive and thankful and blessed.  I write this more so for myself to document my path on the grief journey, and for others who are or will walk this sad road.  My heart hurts for all of you who have lost a child.  It's not in the natural order of life, but please know that the Lord wants to hold you and be your guide and strength.

A common thing a lot of people have said is that they do not know how I seem so normal and just how I get out of bed and continue on.  One word:  Jesus.  He is my All, my Rock, my Saviour, my Everything!  Secondly, I have a husband and another child who need me.  They keep me going as well.  Thirdly, Ethan.  He wouldn't want his mommy to give up on life.  He wants his family to be happy and continue on and live for the Lord.